Last Thanksgiving, I was not thankful. I did not want to look people in the eye, accept hugs, smile, or make small conversational chit chat. It took every ounce of self control to sit, make myself numb, and stare at the parade on TV. I wanted to scream. I needed to cry. I didn’t have a desire to eat anything. Turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy were not going to make this better.
The day before Thanksgiving, I found myself staring a bright red blood. This was not supposed to happen, again. My plan for Thanksgiving day was to do my best to hide the secret that I was pregnant while hanging out with our family. I had already visited with a midwife and started planning what life was going to be like with a third baby. All my dreams broke that morning. My husband ran into the bathroom and hugged me, while I sobbed on the toilet.
I had my first miscarriage in 2015 and shortly after became pregnant again with Charlotte. Charlotte was born in the middle of some crazy times, but we praised the Lord for our rainbow baby. During the grief process, I felt a desire to name our baby that we lost. I chose the name Jesse. Jesse means “gift” and it was truly a gift to be able to hold Jesse in my womb, even if it was for a short time. My husband was the one to name our baby this time, our loss last Thanksgiving. Casey is the name he chose and it means “brave”. Casey would have been born this July.
Casey was a surprise baby, so we knew that Casey had an impression to make on our life, the details unknown to us at the time. Casey pushed me to be brave. This tiny, beautiful person, that I held in my womb for a short time. Just like I knew that my daughter, Charlotte, was going to be an opinionated brown haired girl…I knew that Casey was feisty. In the midst of this surprise we spoke to the Lord, “We will care for this child you have given us because we know that you have a purpose for this life.” God is the giver of life and He places great value on it, even in the womb.
Psalm 139:13-14 – ” For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Job 33:4 – ” The Spirit of God has made me, And the breath of the Almighty gives me life.”
Grief had me in a place where I felt really lost. My brain and my heart were really overwhelmed. I eventually resigned from my wedding album design job and I rested for a couple months. It wasn’t easy for me to rest. I also didn’t have any direction, that’s what bothered me the most. I was very depleted creatively. I needed something that was mine, a project, and a happy outlet for myself. I signed up for Instagram in late April 2019. I still remember staring at the blinking cursor, trying to come up with my Instagram handle. I typed in “Coffeemamabear”. The two most important parts of my everyday.
I have had to wrap myself around the knowledge that I will never be the same. Grief always make a mark. When the girls were smaller I would count, “1…2…” while keeping track of them during shopping trips and even then I felt like I was still missing someone. There should have been another curly haired babe or two to include in the count.
Life is a gift, it is precious, and people fight by all sorts of means to keep it. I know that I really had no control over Jesse or Casey’s future. God knows the reason we lost them and I will never know it while on this earth. I have to rest in knowing that God’s plan is best. I have to place my trust in God. My family will just always feel a little incomplete, while we are here on this earth. I do hold on to this…it will be a sweet reunion for us all when we get to heaven.
Based on my experience with grief, I have figured this part out…grief is not some hill to quickly climb and conquer. Grief is the process of learning how to live with a hole in your heart. Someone can be happy and still be wrestling with grief. You can enjoy food, a sunset, time with friends, music, and still be wading through grief. Sometimes grief will hit at an inopportune time or show itself through anger, anxiety, depression, etc. I’ll end with this…The number one thing you can do at any stage of grief is to be gentle with yourself. Be kind in your self talk and do the best you can to be with people who are kind to you too.
Feel free to email me: erin@coffeemamabear.com
You can also find me on Instagram: @coffeemamabear
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